His msg -- let's find back the feelings we used to have, ok??

So i am rite tat he had lose feelings for me.. i am so so stupid.. or should i say is i dun wish to face the reality?? i am an idiot i guess.. crying for a guy who dun loves me.. but.. guess my crying did help.. he wans to find back his feelings.. he say he will try.. he say he wan to bring me out on thurs to somewhere and hope the outing will help him know how he reali feels..

Should i give us the chance?? or should i jux end it as he has lose feeling?? he promised to try his best and let us have no regrets.. should i trust him?? I felt so lost and tired... who can help me??

Hmm, thank you for showing me concern when i did not feel well... hope wat u said today is true.. tat i am tinking too much.. tat I'm ur dear, so u cheered me up, and tat u will always to faithful to me.. but.. u still did not say u love me.. so i guess maybe tat's wat i'm tinking abt ba.. whether do u still love me.. i dun dare to make guesses cox i scared the negative part will come true..

the waiting of judgement day is horrible.. tml is the day.. now i scared.. reali scared.. pls.. spare me the hurt and give me the happiness.. i pray.. prayed hard..

We had a sms session again.. i tink u reali disagree wif my birthday msg ba.. it's too coincident.. i reali dunno wat u tinking now.. yesterday was like a dream, suddenly i can feel ur love suddenly i dun.. u are spinning me around like a top..

U keep asking me to concentrate on my examx and ask me dun tink so much when i said i wanted the truth.. are u trying to avoid me?? and still said u got fever.. coincidence again?? so many in a day??

i respect u.. we will wait after my examx.. i will try not to tink so much.. will try.. if i got bad grades for my examx, is not ur fault.. u scared tat u will cox me to fail rite?? i can assure u.. it's not ur fault.. i jux hope i'm reali tinking too much and we can have a happy ending..

Pls remeber my birthday msg to u.. i mean wat i said..

Hmm, we had a short sms session last nite.. Thankfully he still love me.. Jux tat our views are different.. we discussed to treat my exam period as our cool down period.. hope we can compromise and never be seperated again...

Had PPCM paper today.. tink wont fail ba.. quite general knowledge..

And i wanna thank all my frenx who stood by me all tis while and cares for me.. Thank you Mingtai, my bestest brother.. always there for me when i needed someone and who reali cares for me.. thank you veri much.. u'll always be my bestest brother.. Thank you Maxine dar.. always cares for me and listens to my probs and consoling me.. love u lots!! And thank you to Sheena, Mingshu, Becca, Huilin, Yaya and ppl who cares.. i'll be strong.. u're are my frenx tat reali cares.. thank you..

He called me jux now.. saying he wanted us to start all over again.. but.. he expect me to give him freedom.. and he's definition of freedom is go clubbing wif frenx.. he is the one saying he dun like to go out wif poly frenx.. now he says he need social life.. wat a joke..

U tell me ppl change.. so ur changing is tis way.. why dun he understand me?? he is liked a changed man.. like a stranger.. i no longer understand him.. how?? i can compromise.. if u show me more concern, i'll have more trust in u.. i can let u have freedom but why muz it be clubbing?? If i dun love u, i'll surely let u go clubbing to play, to flirt, to have fun..

U should know why i'm so over reactting over u.. u should.. why cant u jux understand?? i can let u go out wif frenx.. but not clubbing.. pls.. i've compromise.. i'm reali tired.. u dunno wat hell i'm going through tis few days.. it's reali hell.. try onli eat one meal per day or worst, not at all... and can onli get to slp after crying for hours.. u wont understand wat is having a gurl fren means..

Ppl change.. wat if u change to a more demanding man?? wanting not onli freedom but flirting or going anywhere without me knowing.. why ppl can change to be more understanding of wat their gurl frenx wan and not u?? i'm reali dissapointed.. reali am..

I missed him.. cant concentrate on my examz.. tried my best.. reali did.. at least 60% of info get in ba.. sorry brother.. sorry..

I believe in fairy tales.. i do.. i do.. Prince & Princess will have a happy ending.. they will..

I missed him.. i reali do..

Hmm, mabel came and first tink she said was, "where's kor kor??".. i'm lost for words.. i say i dunno.. she keep asking me why he's not here.. i could not answer her so i help her to call him.. Mabel said he was sick, coughing.. Mabel kept passing me the phone.. i tried not to talk to him, but Mabel threw the phone at me.. he sounded sick.. real sick.. it's my fault.. make him tink too much.. he cant even enjoy his holiday.. sorry..

Our conversation...
Me: Hello?
Him: U watching Tv??
Me: No.. taking care of mei mei..
Him: Oh.. how's ur studying??
Me: Studied half..
Him: Ok.. i'm going sch on tuesday..
Me: Ok..

silence for 1 minute..

Me: U're sick??
Him: Yah..
Me: Go and see a doctor..
Him: Ok.. Then u go take care of mei mei lor..
Me: Ok..

End of conversation..

Hmm, felt so upset tat he's sick.. maybe brother is rite.. he is reali tinking.. tink too much tat he got sick.. sorry.. will u be happier without me?? If yes.. i'm willing to let u go.. i cant be so selfish to keep u when u dun love me anymore.. Pls take care..

I cant control anymore and talk to him again last nite.. he says he is reali lost.. "lost", wat a easy and irresponsible word to use.. i ask him is he tinking he has still feelings for me or lose them already.. he never reply.. so it's obvious now tat he is not choosing me or going overseas.. but.. whether he still loves me..

I keep asking myself why are we in tis situation?? did i did sumtink wrong?? did a 3rd party came along?? i'm so lost.. reali lost.. jux like him.. every nite i could not slp, i would read his sms to me last time.. he says he will onli love me, never leave me, wont let me shed a tear of unhappiness and 'll be the most happiest gurl in the world.. are those butterflies?? they had reali flew away the day he said he wanted to go overseas..

Maybe he never intend to be wif me forever.. maybe his love for me is not as strong as he said.. Brother said he can feel tat our love for each other is strong.. but.. how i come i dun feel his?? i can onli feel hurt, lost everytink i have and everytink of me is meaningless, useless, worthless..

I felt useless.. being a puppet manipulated by him.. and i cant do anytink.. i cant concentrate on my exams.. i'm trying.. reali trying.. but whenever i'm alone, i jux can tink of him.. whole mind is him and will start to cry.. even if is in bus, exam hall or infront of ppl.. i cant control.. i'm reali stupid.. stupid to cry over him, should know tat no matter how much i cried, he wont come back to me.. will he?? why does fate let us meet? why do i have to know u? fate...

I missed him.. but i dunno where is he.. i cant msg him.. i cant call him.. i can onli cry.. wat a fool i am.. i reali reali hope everytink will be alrite and we will be together.. tat is the onli wish and hope i have now..

Thank you brother, for consoling me tis few nites till veri late.. last nite even till 4 plus.. u are reali good to me.. sorry tat u are worrying abt me.. pls dun.. cox i dun even know wat i will do or mite do.. i can onli wait.. rite?? as u said..

2 more days to his birthday.. will i be the one beside him on tis day??

Finally can take off my mask after pretending for the whole day..

I'm so tired.. Forcing myself to be happy and everytink is fine.. deep in my heart, i felt so empty.. i feels like a fool.. doing sumtink tat will make everyone happy except me.. I was happy.. happy tat he turned up.. thank you.. reali..

You tried to hold my hand at the stairs.. are u trying to console me?? thank you.. but i felt so fake.. tat's why i pushed away.. sorry.. i cant stand such a fake feeling.. thank you again for being touched.. meant wat i did still means sumtink to u.. jux hope u wont tink tat i'm using tis to keep u.. i've planned tis long time ago..

But once again.. i felt our distance.. throughout the whole nite, u are trying to avoid me.. and ur heart is not here.. maybe u are lying to urself tat u still love me.. maybe u already have feelings for other gurls.. tat is why ur heart is not here and keep sms-ing ba..

it hurts.. cox today didnt turned out the way i expected when i planned tis.. i wanted everyone to be happy.. but.. u are not so am i.. trying to pretend infront of others.. we are not being true to ourselves, aren't we??

I'm so hungry now.. onli ate a plate of bee hoon the whole day.. but no appettite at all.. hope the cake is nice.. hope u like my little insignificant gifts.. hope u are happy being a free man now.. no need to report to me wat u did or went.. once again.. Happy birthday.. "my dar..??"

* Thank you to everyone who participate today to make tis a success.. Thank you.. without ur, my little wish wont come true..

I feel like an idiot.. had to smile in front of my family and act happily wif the preparartions.. No one will understand wat i'm going through.. i hate the way i am now.. a fake..

I jux hope tonite will turn out well.. hope everyone is happy.. including me.. to see all their happy faces will be a console to me..

Valentine's vow..
We've come tis far is due to fate..
Since the day we put our hands together..
It marked the starting of our story..
We shall let our fairytale come true and prove tat there is Forever Love..

There is no promises and lies in it.. jux my wish.. a simple wish..

Someone kept asking me not to tink too much and eat.. when i told him i didn't eat for a few meals.. thank you for showing concern to me at tis time.. u are always there for me when i need u.. like a big brother.. if u have problems, feel free to look for me.. ok?? i'll always be here for u too..

I've stopped my crying and start to tink wat i reali wan.. but wat i reali wan is not important anymore.. the answer doesent lies in me.. i can onli wait for the day.. be it doomsday or a happy ending day.. he can be unsure of wat he reali wans but i cant.. i have to know my own feelings and be sure of wat i wan.. i muz be true to myself.. perservere..

I NEED TIME TO TINK, DIDNT WE AGREE!! - his last msg to me..

u said u are lost.. i'm worst.. i dun even know wat i did wrong to deserve tis.. u wanted to go overseas.. i agreed.. didnt i?? wat's more u wan from me?? u dun wan a break up, u need time to tink.. tink?? wat is there to tink?? u said to tink wat u reali wan.. so to speak, u dunno if i'm tat important enough to make u stay.. i jux felt tat our love is a joke.. after 2 yrs of being together, 1 yr of breaking, and now patched.. our love is still not strong enough.. i'm such a loser.. cant even keep the man i love.. is tis retribution?? it muz be.. and i know the ending.. BREAKUP..

i got the feeling tat i'm gonna lose u.. such a strong feeling.. can i salvage it?? i dunno.. i had done watever i can.. i'm such a fool.. to tink we can last till married.. i'm stupid.. to put my heart and soul in it.. maybe u did love me.. jux tat no more now?? i jux hope everytink will turn out fine as someone said..

Forever love.. does it even exist??

i feel terrible the whole nite.. couldn't slp.. slept for 2 hrs, wake up for 1 hr.. i even had diarrhea.. i wonder wat is happening.. never eat at all still can have diarrhea.. wat a lousy body i have.. i can tell no one all tis except in my blog.. is my feelings and my thoughts..

i had a thorough tinking last nite.. i was dumb.. shouldnt have say to respect his decision as long as he is happy.. i was acting to be understanding.. but am i reali tat understanding?? i dunno.. i felt so useless and lost.. on one hand, i cannot be selfish, on the other, i cant bear to let him go.. wat should i do??

someone told me to see wat he can promise me.. promise?? do they exists?? promises are lies.. white lies.. i dun trust promises.. they are like beautiful butterflies tat flutters in front of u, when u reach ur hand to catch it, it flew away from u.. forever..

i jux dun wan another heart-wrecking feeling.. i had enough.. i jux hope we can be together no matter wat..

Jux did my recording at music clinic today.. it sux.. totally.. practically, today jux sux..

You are not being selfish.. dun worry.. i shld not be selfish to tie u down.. u have the every rites to choose.. it's ur future.. i dun wan u to blame me.. i know u said we can still be together even if u go overseas, but can i say u are being naive?? i know u dun wan to hurt me.. but the hurt is done, why not jux hurt me once and for all?? u said to give u one week to tink and ask me to concentrate for my examx.. i will.. i can onli listen to u and let u do the slaughtering.. u wanted the best of 2 worlds, to have me and able to go overseas.. reality is cruel.. man always cant have the best of 2 worlds.. i dun wanna pressurize u, jux wan u to made the decision tat is the best for u.. remember, dun let me tie u down..

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